Being a Jew vs. performing Judaism

Scene 1: A family prepares for Shabbat on a Friday evening. Special candlesticks are taken out of the cupboard (which also houses ritual objects for holidays), special wine glasses set on the table, and the challah covered. The family recites blessings over each: candle-lighting, wine, and bread. The floor in the adjacent living room is covered with Jewish children's books and toys. Perhaps as they eat, they discuss the weekly Torah portion that they'll be studying at temple the following morning.

Scene 2: Another family on Friday evening. Mom makes dinner with whatever ingredients are found in the refrigerator and when all is prepared, she sends word around the house like a game of telephone. "Dinner's ready." It's unlikely that blessings will be recited - there isn't any challah, anyway. But there will be wine and heated conversation, though not about Torah.

I'll spare you the annoyance of guessing which family is Jewish, as I suspect you know where I'm going with this. Both of these families are based on families I know. The first, a couple and their daughter who Ilan and I met in California, recently invited us over to celebrate Shabbat at their house. The mother and daughter have already converted to Judaism, and the father is well on his way - all drawn to the religion after time spent with Jewish friends who have a belief system and are part of a religious culture that seems to suit this couple better than anything they grew up with. The second family, of course, is Ilan's. They have a Jewish matriarch and all of the children were raised Jewish. Dosage-wise, they've been my model Jewish household for the past two years or so.

Both families are Jewish, either by choice or by birth. But Ilan's family doesn't HAVE to choose. They ARE Jewish. And the first family HAS to choose, because that is exactly what MAKES them Jewish.

I was discussing these two families with my Jewish therapist recently (seriously), and explaining what I've heard already from so many Jews: Converting is great and all, but only born Jews really "get it." My therapist likened conversion, in this sense, to drag, and the more I thought about it, the more I agreed with her. How does one "perform" Judaism? In the same way that my femininity - complete with short hair, a jeans-and-tee-shirt uniform, and often unshaved armpits - is perceived by most to be more "authentic" than the femininity of a born-male in high heels, big hair, and lipstick, why is the Jewishness of a Shabbat-loving convert less authentic than that of a born Jew who may not believe in God and only goes to services on high holidays? Is my vagina that important? Or a bloodline? And can you imagine what a cagefight would look like between my vagina and some symbol for Jewish bloodlines? Feel free to submit artistic interpretations.

I welcome thoughts on if and how it could be possible for a Jewish convert to be Jewish without having to perform. If you're Jewish, is telling people enough to make it so even if you rarely perform the associated rituals? Especially in reform traditions, is being Jewish a "feeling" that you either have or don't have? Is it a personality trait? How can Jewish converts overcome the very real handicap of not being born Jewish? Help!