Interview Corner: Karen Ben-Moshe

Karen is a friend I met at another wonderful friend's Erev Rosh Hashanah dinner when I moved to California. She is an almost 30-year-old graduate student at UC Berkeley getting two Masters degrees, in public health and public policy, because "she's crazy and an overachiever, like most Jews." She grew up on Long Island and was bat mitzvahed in the same synagogue that her mom was bat mitzvahed and married in. Her bike's name is Rosie and her camera's name is Sally. She's never been married and would like to meet a (nice) Jewish boy. Karen is afraid that this interview is going to make her sound like a bad Jewish stereotype from a Philip Roth novel.

Jew and Me: What does it mean to be Jewish?
Karen Ben-Moshe: Being Jewish means having a sense of community, it means being part of something bigger than yourself, and it also means responsibility. Responsibility to your family and to the whole Jewish community. I don't know if this is what makes a Jew and Jew, but I think this is what makes me a Jew. . . I think [Jews also place] a really high value on education - because you have to be able to read in order to pray - and on giving back. For better or worse, there is also this feeling of not always feeling totally safe, that you never know what could happen. Many Jewish holidays and much of Jewish history is about being persecuted. There's Purim, Pesach, Hanukkah, all of which are about being persecuted and attempts to wipe out the Jewish race. Especially given the Holocaust, there's always a sense of slight insecurity that I don't think you feel on a day-to-day basis at all, but there is the sense of being a persecuted people [that reinforces a community identity.] And I think there's a need to be self protective because there are so few Jews, you feel like if you stop being Jewish it's a major thing.

JAM: How do you feel about Jews who have Jewish mothers or parents, but who weren't raised Jewish?
KBM: I think they're Jewish. I don't think most Orthodox Jews feel this way, but there are so few Jews that to say that anyone who identifies as Jewish isn't Jewish is kind of silly.

JAM: What is the most challenging facet of Judaism in your daily life?
KBM: Guilt? I grew up in the kind of house where if I got a 96 on a test, my father would say "where were the other four points?" and he was kidding, but he was also. . . maybe not. I mean, who knew? [There's a responsibility to your family] and to yourself. I think it can be really internalized, and I don't know that all Jews feel this, but in the community I grew up in there were a lot of expectations that you would do well in school, you would go to a good college, you would get a good job. . . There were high expectations. This is always under the surface, but everybody knows about it. For example, I called my sister to say I might not come home for Passover and she said "Grandma won't love you anymore." And she was totally kidding! But the fact that that is even the kind of humor says something to me. That sort of guilt can be pervasive.

JAM: Why are high expectations not necessarily exclusive to Jews, but at least very prevalent among Jews?
KBM: I don't know. I think it goes back to, number one, this expectation that you'll educate yourself. I'm wondering if part of it is the need to be an upstanding citizen and do things the right way. That way, there will be no reason for anyone to hate you for being a Jew. I don't know if that's true - so much of it is implicit. I never said to my parents, "Why should I do well in school?" They just expected it. It's also a class thing, though - I definitely grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood and I think that's probably an expectation of many [kids] in upper middle class neighborhoods.

JAM: How do you feel about conversion?
KBM: I think that it's wonderful for people to convert, but I think that the same way that growing up in a different country impacts [your worldview] someone who converts won't get it just because they won't have grown up that way. And I don't think that makes them any less of a Jew, it just means that their life experiences will have been very different. It's interesting because often Jews by choice will have more knowledge and more understanding [of Judaism] because they will have learned as an adult many things that [born] Jews just sort of don't. On the other hand, for [born] Jews the songs and traditions are so much a part of who we are because that's how we grew up and that's part of our family, and when you convert you don't have that. Jews by choice have the knowledge without the background. And I think that that can work, but it can be really difficult. I feel like I moved to San Francisco five years ago and people who grew up here are always like, "you're not native" - it's similar with conversion.

JAM: How do you feel about interfaith relationships?
KBM: I feel really conflicted about [interfaith relationships]. I personally would like to meet somebody Jewish, I would like to keep a kosher home, I will never celebrate Christmas, my children will not go to church, and that's a lot easier to do if you marry someone Jewish. On the other hand, given the number of Jewish men in the world, it's hard for me to know that I will meet somebody Jewish. My mother has many times said to me, "don't even date someone who isn't Jewish because why put yourself through that heartache?" Because if you decide that they're the one and the religion thing is an issue. . . It's certainly not something that anyone in my mother's generation wants for their children, nor is it something that they can totally relate to. My parents have no non-Jewish friends. At all. That's pretty amazing. So for them, dating a non-Jew was never even an option.

JAM: What about non-Jewish women dating Jewish men, specifically?
KBM: I think that given that I'd like to end up with somebody Jewish, it is hard to see Jewish men date non-Jewish women because there is this [feeling] like, "how did they get one of them?" It's a terrible feeling and it's totally not an intellectual, reasonable thought, but for me I think, "I can't meet a Jewish guy, and even when I do meet Jewish guys half of them are jerks, and she got one of the good ones."

JAM: How would you feel about dating a non-Jewish man who's interested in conversion?
KBM: That would be fine. I've dated non-Jewish men, but they haven't been religious. It would be impossible for me to be with someone who was a practicing Christian. It's really interesting, I was at a bar once and when I told this guy that I wouldn't marry someone who isn't Jewish, he said I was being racist. And I thought, "whoa. . . you might be right." There is an entire population of people that I would prefer not to end up with. Of course, one could argue that many people will only date someone tall or someone with dark hair. . . But, yeah, it struck me. Because in a way he was right.

JAM: In one sentence (only one sentence!) say something about Israel.
KBM: The smell of the earth in Israel is different, and it's a different color.

JAM: Why do Jews cover their eyes when lighting Shabbat candles?
KBM: I know this one. Jews cover their eyes because you're not supposed to light candles on Shabbat because you're not supposed to work on Shabbat. And so you cover your eyes to hide the sin from yourself, the fact that you've sinned. And that's why.

The Chavurah continues, just barely

Okay, so after that initial "housekeeping" meeting of Chavurah liaisons at Beth El, I arranged for our first planning meeting. Given that only six people, including Ilan and me, had signed up in our "demographic," (read: late twenties and early thirties, no children) I didn't know what to expect. We met at Caffe Trieste on Piedmont Avenue in Oakland and. . . only two people, Dan and Jill, showed up. And they were a couple. So, essentially, it was a double date.

We did the best with what we had and planned to meet again as a group, hopefully with our two missing members, for a Tu B'Shevat garden clean-up at Beth El and lunch at Cheeseboard. (Tu B'Shevat, according to Anita Diamant in Living a Jewish Life, is a holiday that celebrates "the relationship between people and the natural world, or in contemporary parlance, the ecology of the planet. In Jewish tradition, the primary symbol of this relationship is the tree.") Dan and Jill planned to be there, but our two additional members either didn't respond or couldn't make it. So we canceled. Sad, but true. We're working on reaching out to the congregation to get additional members and breathe some life into the group, so we'll see what happens.

On a more positive note, this has freed Ilan and I up to celebrate Tu B'Shevat in other ways. Namely, by gathering a group of friends to head toward Ano Nuevo to scope out the elephant seals in all of their mating, fighting glory. (Hm, mating and fighting. . . always closely related.) And maybe on Saturday we can pot some new house plants, too. And eat some fruit. Indeed.

Taking it to the people

I want to start a feature on the blog wherein I ask the same five questions of different Jews (and, occasionally, others) to get their perspectives on issues related to what it means to be a Jew, where "Jews by choice" (converts) fit into the grand scheme of things and other topics. I know it's impossible to fit the wildly varied opinions of a whole group of people (especially, perhaps, Jews) into a neat little Interview Corner but, alas, that's what I'm attempting to do.

My wonderful friend Karen Ben-Moshe, who has been staying with me since Ilan went to Boston for a visit, has agreed to be my first victim. . . ahem, subject. She and I spent last night brainstorming some questions that any Jew could answer, but that will hopefully elicit intriguing and diverse responses. And here they are.

1. What does it mean to be Jewish? OR What makes a Jew, a Jew?
2. What is the most challenging facet of Judaism in practice?
3. How do you feel about conversion? OR How do you feel about interfaith relationships, especially non-Jewish women dating Jewish men?
4. In one sentence (only one sentence!) say something about Israel.
5. Why do Jews cover their eyes when lighting Shabbat candles?

What do you think? I want to keep my questions to five, and I think these encompass the most confusing, controversial and/or interesting topics in my mind. Next up, we'll see how Karen would respond! (Cue evil laugh. . .)

Like, OMGoddess!

Last night I went to the second meeting of Introduction to the Jewish Experience, a class I'm taking through Berkeley's Lehrhaus Judaica. (I missed the first meeting when I tried to bike the eight or so miles from my house without the use of a topographical map. Damn hills out here!) This is the second series in a three-series class and this time around we're talking about Jewish history and text. (You can check out Rabbi Adar's website dedicated to the class by clicking here.) To supplement my classroom learning, I just started reading A Short History of the Jewish People by Raymond P. Scheindlin.

So what juicy historical tidbits have I learned so far? First of all, history up to 500 or so BCE is CONFUSING! Maybe it's the abundance of varying sources (the Torah, ancient artifacts, squabbling historians, etc.) or maybe it's just difficult to understand thousands of years of history in just a few hours and a couple hundred pages. Either way - yikes! My original plan was to summarize each chapter of the book here, both for my own memory and for others who are likewise overwhelmed. But I'm SO overwhelmed that I've since nixed that idea.

So! Instead I bring you some of my favorite and most surprising facts. If these facts seem off to any of my (two) loyal readers, please feel free to call my bluff in the comments section.

1. When the Israelites (technically Hebrews at this point?) were fleeing Egypt, God parted the "Sea of Reeds" which is usually translated as the "Red Sea," however this is not the Red Sea that we see on a map today. The exact location of the Sea of Reeds/Red Sea is unknown.

2. The first king of the Israelites was Saul. The second king was David - the same David who conquered Goliath in the story of (who knew?) David and Goliath! (Goliath was a Philistine hero.) This is probably common knowledge to most, but I thought this was such a fun fact! Also, David had his eye on Bathsheba, the wife of one of his captains. So he sent that captain to the front lines to fight, where he inevitably died. Then David was able to marry Bathsheba, who gave birth to Solomon (who would be the third king). Sneaky, eh?

3. After King Solomon died, the Israelites split into two camps: Israel in the north and Judah in the south. During this time, the term "Israelites" actually refers to those living in the north, though Jerusalem and the temple that Solomon had built there were still in the south.

4. If you've read this far, you've really earned this next fun fact. . . GOD WAS A WOMAN! I'm joking. BUT, before Josiah came along and enforced very strict monotheism, there is evidence that Israelites (and others) recognized that God had a wife, named Asherah. In both Israel and Judah, artifacts have been recovered inscribed with blessings that reference "Yahweh and his Asherah." Though she certainly wasn't what one could call a goddess (there was always only one God), she was considered the protector of fertility and lady cycles, and also overseer of matters related to the sea. (I've seen translations of her name to "one who strides over the sea," etc.) Isn't that a really fun fact? I knew you'd think so. I've also read sources that say that near stones erected to God one can sometimes also find "asherim," wooden posts that sometimes "embrace" the stone and are said to be in tribute to Asherah. Can anyone confirm seeing such a thing?

Okay, on to chapter two. . . "Judea and the Origins of the Diaspora." Yippee!

The Chavurah gets underway

After a fun night out last night, I dragged my still full belly (TOO. MUCH. CHOCOLATE.) out of bed this morning and biked the six miles to Beth El for an organizational meeting for the Chavurot they're starting there. A Chavurah, according to the Union of Reform Judaism, is "a group of people (individuals, couples, families) who get together on a regular basis to celebrate Jewish life." I signed Ilan and I up a while ago in hopes we'd get to know a few new people like us to do fun Jewish things with. (Writing that reminds me of Dirty Dancing, when Baby's sister sarcastically says to her, "Quite the joiner, aren't we?")

Anyway, this particular meeting was for liaisons, who coordinate the meetings of the Chavurot and connect with folks at Beth El with updates and in search of necessary resources. I don't remember signing up for that job, but apparently I did and that's the role I found myself in this morning. Thankfully, another "no children, 20- or 30-something" group member, Dan, showed up as well and we agreed to tag team some of the liaison duties moving forward. I'm really looking forward to meeting the others in my Chavurah and planning our first meeting. I'm thinking dessert and drinks at Cafe Trieste. . . Stay tuned!

Step into my library

I think it will be helpful to share some of the books I've enjoyed reading thus far.

Living a Jewish Life
By Anita Diamant
This is a great, easy-to-read primer and provides enough basic knowledge to inform future reading of more in-depth books.

The Jewish Catalogs (First, Second and Third)
By Strassfeld & Strassfeld
I was introduced to the First Jewish Catalog by my wonderful friend and former housemate, Hadley. Published between 1973 and 1980, these books tout themselves as "do it yourself kits" for cultivating a personal Jewish practice outside of organized Judaism. They're absolutely fascinating and fun to read - the Jewish equivalent of finding your mom's early edition of Our Bodies, Ourselves. They may be out of print, but you can find them used at abebooks.com.

The Jewish Holidays
By Michael Strassfeld
This book has been invaluable! Whenever I have a question about a holiday ritual that no one can seem to answer ("That's just the way we do it!") this book has provided one. It's also a great way to impress your friends with your obscure knowledge.

And, of course, the Torah! I look at contemporary commentary each week (or as often as possible) on chabad.org. It's an especially great place to see what the ladies think.

And so it begins. . .

There are times when saying, "I'm not Jewish," feels like a confession akin to "I was born in a sewer" or "I eat my finger nail clippings." Or introducing myself with only my first name, Rachel, and not my decidedly non-Jewish last name, MacNeill, feels like an intentional lie. For the past year, I've been just barely flying under the radar as a non-Jew in a Jewish world.

But that wasn't always the case. I've had many accepting Jewish girlfriends. I've gone to a Shabbat service or two, and even fumbled my way through songs over dinners at Hillel in college. I've taken classes and visited important Jewish sites in Europe. And, excepting one very heated discussion with my friend Rebecca over circumcision in our college dorm's co-ed bathroom, the fact that I'm not Jewish has been, superficially at least, irrelevant.

And then I started dating Ilan. And then we were dating more seriously. And then we moved in together. And I've had to confront my feelings about religion, which have been mostly out-of-sight-out-of-mind until now. For him, having never dated a non-Jew, I think our relationship involved many more difficult decisions than it did for me. I don't speak Hebrew. (Um, shalom?) I grew up with a very well decorated Christmas tree. I had never eaten a latke. And the list goes on. Our childhoods, which inevitably inform our adulthoods, were radically different. Over time, perhaps we'd discover that there were disconnections in our worldviews that couldn't be bridged by love alone? Fundamental disagreements that wouldn't be reconciled?

And so we embarked on an adventure together to find commonalities and, I'll admit it, for me to get my Jewish ass in gear. I hope that documenting our journey and the hilarity that inevitably ensues will inspire others going through the same thing and take away some of the sting of those first, embarassing baby steps toward finding a niche in a Jewish community. Enjoy!