Karen is a friend I met at another wonderful friend's Erev Rosh Hashanah dinner when I moved to California. She is an almost 30-year-old graduate student at UC Berkeley getting two Masters degrees, in public health and public policy, because "she's crazy and an overachiever, like most Jews." She grew up on Long Island and was bat mitzvahed in the same synagogue that her mom was bat mitzvahed and married in. Her bike's name is Rosie and her camera's name is Sally. She's never been married and would like to meet a (nice) Jewish boy. Karen is afraid that this interview is going to make her sound like a bad Jewish stereotype from a Philip Roth novel.
Jew and Me: What does it mean to be Jewish?
Karen Ben-Moshe: Being Jewish means having a sense of community, it means being part of something bigger than yourself, and it also means responsibility. Responsibility to your family and to the whole Jewish community. I don't know if this is what makes a Jew and Jew, but I think this is what makes me a Jew. . . I think [Jews also place] a really high value on education - because you have to be able to read in order to pray - and on giving back. For better or worse, there is also this feeling of not always feeling totally safe, that you never know what could happen. Many Jewish holidays and much of Jewish history is about being persecuted. There's Purim, Pesach, Hanukkah, all of which are about being persecuted and attempts to wipe out the Jewish race. Especially given the Holocaust, there's always a sense of slight insecurity that I don't think you feel on a day-to-day basis at all, but there is the sense of being a persecuted people [that reinforces a community identity.] And I think there's a need to be self protective because there are so few Jews, you feel like if you stop being Jewish it's a major thing.
JAM: How do you feel about Jews who have Jewish mothers or parents, but who weren't raised Jewish?
KBM: I think they're Jewish. I don't think most Orthodox Jews feel this way, but there are so few Jews that to say that anyone who identifies as Jewish isn't Jewish is kind of silly.
JAM: What is the most challenging facet of Judaism in your daily life?
KBM: Guilt? I grew up in the kind of house where if I got a 96 on a test, my father would say "where were the other four points?" and he was kidding, but he was also. . . maybe not. I mean, who knew? [There's a responsibility to your family] and to yourself. I think it can be really internalized, and I don't know that all Jews feel this, but in the community I grew up in there were a lot of expectations that you would do well in school, you would go to a good college, you would get a good job. . . There were high expectations. This is always under the surface, but everybody knows about it. For example, I called my sister to say I might not come home for Passover and she said "Grandma won't love you anymore." And she was totally kidding! But the fact that that is even the kind of humor says something to me. That sort of guilt can be pervasive.
JAM: Why are high expectations not necessarily exclusive to Jews, but at least very prevalent among Jews?
KBM: I don't know. I think it goes back to, number one, this expectation that you'll educate yourself. I'm wondering if part of it is the need to be an upstanding citizen and do things the right way. That way, there will be no reason for anyone to hate you for being a Jew. I don't know if that's true - so much of it is implicit. I never said to my parents, "Why should I do well in school?" They just expected it. It's also a class thing, though - I definitely grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood and I think that's probably an expectation of many [kids] in upper middle class neighborhoods.
JAM: How do you feel about conversion?
KBM: I think that it's wonderful for people to convert, but I think that the same way that growing up in a different country impacts [your worldview] someone who converts won't get it just because they won't have grown up that way. And I don't think that makes them any less of a Jew, it just means that their life experiences will have been very different. It's interesting because often Jews by choice will have more knowledge and more understanding [of Judaism] because they will have learned as an adult many things that [born] Jews just sort of don't. On the other hand, for [born] Jews the songs and traditions are so much a part of who we are because that's how we grew up and that's part of our family, and when you convert you don't have that. Jews by choice have the knowledge without the background. And I think that that can work, but it can be really difficult. I feel like I moved to San Francisco five years ago and people who grew up here are always like, "you're not native" - it's similar with conversion.
JAM: How do you feel about interfaith relationships?
KBM: I feel really conflicted about [interfaith relationships]. I personally would like to meet somebody Jewish, I would like to keep a kosher home, I will never celebrate Christmas, my children will not go to church, and that's a lot easier to do if you marry someone Jewish. On the other hand, given the number of Jewish men in the world, it's hard for me to know that I will meet somebody Jewish. My mother has many times said to me, "don't even date someone who isn't Jewish because why put yourself through that heartache?" Because if you decide that they're the one and the religion thing is an issue. . . It's certainly not something that anyone in my mother's generation wants for their children, nor is it something that they can totally relate to. My parents have no non-Jewish friends. At all. That's pretty amazing. So for them, dating a non-Jew was never even an option.
JAM: What about non-Jewish women dating Jewish men, specifically?
KBM: I think that given that I'd like to end up with somebody Jewish, it is hard to see Jewish men date non-Jewish women because there is this [feeling] like, "how did they get one of them?" It's a terrible feeling and it's totally not an intellectual, reasonable thought, but for me I think, "I can't meet a Jewish guy, and even when I do meet Jewish guys half of them are jerks, and she got one of the good ones."
JAM: How would you feel about dating a non-Jewish man who's interested in conversion?
KBM: That would be fine. I've dated non-Jewish men, but they haven't been religious. It would be impossible for me to be with someone who was a practicing Christian. It's really interesting, I was at a bar once and when I told this guy that I wouldn't marry someone who isn't Jewish, he said I was being racist. And I thought, "whoa. . . you might be right." There is an entire population of people that I would prefer not to end up with. Of course, one could argue that many people will only date someone tall or someone with dark hair. . . But, yeah, it struck me. Because in a way he was right.
JAM: In one sentence (only one sentence!) say something about Israel.
KBM: The smell of the earth in Israel is different, and it's a different color.
JAM: Why do Jews cover their eyes when lighting Shabbat candles?
KBM: I know this one. Jews cover their eyes because you're not supposed to light candles on Shabbat because you're not supposed to work on Shabbat. And so you cover your eyes to hide the sin from yourself, the fact that you've sinned. And that's why.
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